I'm depressed.

Sinking into depression? Or am I a nutcase right at the beginning?

I woke up feeling very down today - thrown to the pit bottom of my emotions.

I am still feeling angry for the 40 minutes delay at collecting the history paper yesterday. I have a bloody bad feeling that I wrote out of point and it truly doesn't help when I did not do well for my midterm essay. Who say that you will achieve what you want if you put in the effort?

Will I even get a C? Maybe not. It could be a BIG D. Will I ever cope with the fact if it really turns out to be a D? A brand new experience. BAD experience.

It doesn't make things better with my sore red right eye. Was it a rebellion within myself? I haven't cried for a while and I hate crying. Was it a warning for me not to suppress how I feel anymore? I want to cry out loud, but the tears just won't come out. Or have I been crying in my dreams?

I hate myself this semester - for being inhuman to lots of people around me and not feeling guilty about it. I hate myself for concealing my true feelings this semester. I hate myself for having the heck care attitude. I hate myself for doing the minimal for everything.

I hate university life. I made a few friends but lose a dozen of them. Friends whom I thought will be friends for life just let me down time and again. I hate making friends now. I want to isolate myself. I have bulit walls around me - impenetrable. What you see now is really a shell or even a creature without any emotions waiting to hurt anyone who comes near her, so leave me alone.

Let me just dwell in my misery. You will never understand how I feel because I do not know myself too. ..

My world comes tumbling down.

Tomorrow is the start of my EXAM.

The start of the devilish and sinister experiences, which torture almost everyone every semester.

I am so F.worried because I have not been worrying for my exams since the start of the reading week. I am slow in my revision and I do not even want to study.

Studying is BORING!

Rena knocked some bloody sense into me on Friday when she exclaimed this “meaningful” sentence to me when I told her I am going to wait to Sunday to study for my bizad paper on Monday.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT WORRIED FOR A NON ARTS MODULE WHICH YOU NEVER S/U!”

It did have an effect on me for a while. In addition, I seriously mean for a while. The next day, I woke up, I totally forgot about it or I pretended to.

I am not complacent, if that is what you are thinking. I am just disillusioned.
Disillusioned about the world, about my future and about life.

Stupid Rena planted some naughty thoughts into me. Rena is weird in some sense. Hahahaha.

She said she wished she know smoking because it can be a source of relaxation. Hahaha… Crazy. I bet she got this idea from XXX and RRR who seemed so carefree after smoking. Of course, I smacked some rationality into her, which means I am still sane to know what is right and wrong.

Enough of exams. It sucks.

I think I have been primed.

I just cannot stop thinking about the thing. Every minute and every second.
Arrggg… to hell to whoever who primed me to have this silly thought. Now I cannot seem to stop myself from thinking. AND THIS IS TOTALLY NO GOOD! I hope this illogical thought will end as soon as my last paper ends.

Now is time to start slacking again. I shall study later.

I am missing all my friends…..they include you too!

Interesting website!

The use of F.U.C.K Y.O.U!

http://kekepower.com/musikk/Fuck.mp3

When the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping!

Got back my history essay today.

*$#$@#$ if you know what it means.

But then again, I'm all happy again!

Bought 2 nice nice dresses today. :P All because Jolene was late for 30 minutes plus my hands are itchy plus I am supposed to be sad what because of my lousy essay.

All is fine now!!! Tomorrow shall be a brand new day!

I'm in school...

How sad can that sound? :P

Contradictory to what I am feeling right now... Managed to find a haven in school, super conducive for studying! No more studying in journal! A Big Big NO!!!

Managed to finish three chapters of my business law. Whahaha....moving at a slow pace but then again... it is the quality that counts, right?

I must not ruin the sweet path laid down.

Qing shall win the race!

Yippee!! Super happy now... because... because..IT'S A BIG SECRET!

Will be getting back my essay tml! Crossing my fingers...

Hope I will be over the moon tml!!!

* SHARKS *

I WANT TO SHOP!

My hands are getting itchy! Arrrrgg!!! No one wants to go shopping with me! Everyone is so busy with studying.

Me too! But I deserve a break!

Blab!!!

By the way, I finally know what I want to specialise in for psychology! I shall work towards my goal!!


Yippeee!!!

Back to my textbook!

May I have a happy reading time!!!

As quoted from Hoiting ~ "This semester seems like a good semester for me."

Am I suppose to believe that?

Pending worries. I tried my best. I transformed my thinking. I changed my attitude.

What if I failed? This unspeakable fear haunts me.

I should be studying now. But, I don't know where to start. I am lost.

While I was collecting my essay with Hoiting today, we met Nicholas Hon, one of the few lecturers who made an impact on my life. Although I do not agree with some of the things which he said sometimes, nevertheless, he does impart some of his sensibility to me.

"Muggers never win in NUS"

People who really think will triumph and override everyone. When he meant think, it really means seriously and critical thinking. I wish someone has said that to me long ago. I guessed today, he really changed my perception of studying.

But I shall do my very best to run the remaining race!

Will you run with me?

june's bday! 

I feel so lousy ever since I am not sure when – maybe after the developmental lab presentation.

It sucks to the core.

Much as I hate to complain, I guess I still need this space to do some reflections.

I seriously think I am like a train, an exhausted train that has started a glorious journey but got tired on my way. I have no more energy left. Things are moving at a super slow pace for me now. I think I went too fast at the beginning and now I am at a loss of what to do.

A break is what I need and I took it – a three days break. However, at the end of it, I still feel not as motivated. It is the last race of the semester. I know I need to gear up, but I am lacking in the spirit to do so.

Sometimes, I feel like I am a shell, all empty inside – devoid of any feelings or expression. Life is like acting. The better you get at it, the easier it will to lie to the people around you that you are all right.

I need to snap out of how I feel right now. To be in the state I am at the beginning of the semester.

With the last remaining strength, I will make it happen.

Come what may.